Knowing When
by Baliansword
Summary: “Alexander, the greatest thing about a man is knowing when to stop,” Hephaestion whispered softly, revealing truer feelings than any others he’d ever had.


Title: "Knowing When"

Author: Baliansword 

Type: One Shot

Summary: "Alexander, the greatest thing about a man is knowing when to stop," Hephaestion whispered softly, revealing truer feelings than any others he'd ever had.

A/N: It always makes authors feel great when you review their work. It helps us to know what others think and so on.

000

They were all as they were said to be in the end. The admittance of it pained him as he stopped before turning slowly around. No, not all of them, he regretted saying it earlier. There was one that never masked himself, never lied, never wanted anything more than his companionship. He watched as he entered the tent but knew already what he had come to say. He'd not said it before others but would say it now in seclusion. Alexander had expected it from the others, sensed it coming, but he didn't want to hear it from him.

He entered, his shoulders slacking, his eyes cast at the ground. Maybe he did not wish to say it either. No, Alexander knew better than that. He was here not on the tidings of others but on his own will. He would speak for others at times but this was not one of them. This, Alexander knew, was only Hephaestion. The king turned his head away not because he was not glad to see him, for he was, but because he did not want him to see the tears in his eyes.

There was silence. Alexander knew that Hephaestion stood behind him, not even close enough to reach out and touch him. He stood looking at his back, thinking silently to himself. Wondering no doubt if Alexander was furious with him as well as he was everyone else. Alexander swallowed hard, thinking of those cerulean eyes staring at him.

He had memorized what Hephaestion looked like. He'd always known but today he looked at him for the longest time before averting his eyes. His hair was longer, below his shoulders, and had not been washed for some time. He hadn't the time to do such things with Alexander's constant campaigning and requests from him. He'd even stopped shaving, a beard now covered the soft cheeks and jawline that Alexander loved, but looked no less young or beautiful. Alexander couldn't remember when he'd stopped shaving and thought about it for a moment. It was after he'd send him to some far off land, yes, that must have been when.

He was still Hephaestion though. He still loved him, even if no other did. He would always believe in him not because he'd vowed it when Alexander became king, but because he himself believed in Alexander. He'd follow him to the edge of the world if Alexander asked it. But that was why he hadn't asked Hephaestion today, when he asked the others, to do so. He knew that he would be the only one to say yes. He knew, and the thought brought tears further to his eyes.

"Alexander," Hephaestion whispered. Alexander knew that he did not move though. Instead he stayed where he was, as a persuasion perhaps, to get Alexander to turn and face him. After a moment Alexander turned, tears glistening in his eyes, biting his lower lip so that he did not say anything before he let Hephaestion speak. Hephaestion couldn't speak when he saw him though. Instead he looked back at the ground.

"Don't say it," Alexander said when Hephaestion said nothing. He stepped forward, tears finally beginning to spill over the brims of his eyes. He shook his head as he approached Hephaestion, his lower lips trembling, the emotions he swore not to let out were now rampant. "I have heard it from all of them and I don't need to hear it from you too. I can't hear it from you too."

"Alexander," Hephaestion said reaching out for him and drawing back when Alexander drew away. He knew he was angry but he wished that it wasn't with him. He felt himself breaking too. "I'm not here to speak for them."

"Ah," Alexander said as he spun around and ranted, walking away from Hephaestion. "Of course you aren't here to speak for them. You're here to tell me, drive their daggers home. How does it feel Hephaestion, to be the last one?"

"No," Hephaestion said, walking toward him. He wasn't going to let him do this to him, not again. He refused to let Alexander make him feel like this was somehow his fault. He was sick of playing the king's pawn, listened to only when his opinion would be the one Alexander wanted. Hephaestion put a hand on Alexander's shoulder and turned him back to face him forcefully. "Listen to me Alexander! Stop thinking of yourself and think of me for a moment. Listen to me as you promised to!"

_"I promise," Alexander whispered as he kissed the top of Hephaestion's head. He ran his fingers through his hair, holding him close. His tears had dried but his blue eyes were still reddened when he looked up. "I haven't listened to you, and I haven't listened to myself in doing so, and I regret it. I won't push you away Hephaestion as I have, even though I did not realize it. I shall listen Hephaestion, listen only to you. Just speak to me."_

"I am listening. I listen to all of them," he replied as he flung his arm out, motioning outside of the tent to those that would not be able to hear them. "I sit there and listen to them take everything I have ever done and shred it as if it were old papyrus. I listen to it constantly. How dare you say I haven't listened!"

"To them, not to me!"

"Because I can't hear it from you," he said shoving him back. The sudden forcefulness of it caused Hephaestion to fall. He let out a breath of air as his back hit the ground. He then sat up, Alexander already sinking down next to him. Alexander wrapped his arms around him and no matter how angry with him Hephaestion was, he wrapped his arms around him as well and relaxed in his embrace. Their relationship was at times violent, Hephaestion was used to Alexander's anger, and he knew that now was no different.

"You believe in me, don't you?" Alexander drew back to look at him, putting his hands to Hephaestion's cheeks. He looked deep into his eyes. He wanted the truth, and it was there, but Hephaestion would not lie to him. Even if he didn't he would tell him.

"You know that I do," Hephaestion said with a soft smile. He put a hand over Alexander's. He wanted secretly to go back. He hoped that if they did he would get the true Alexander back. Yet if Alexander decided to march now, despite the fact none of the army would go with him, Hephaestion would. He'd curse the rest, and then he would ride after Alexander.

Alexander continued to stare at him. Tears were still in his eyes. Suddenly he stood and turned his back to Hephaestion. He knew that Hephaestion still loved him, still shared his dreams. But he also knew that he was going to say it. He would say it any moment now. There was no denying it.

"Say it Hephaestion," Alexander told him, his back still turned. He let a few tears fall while he waited for Hephaestion to say something. He heard Hephaestion take in a deep breath, heard him let it out slowly. He wasn't lining something up to say. He stood then, and Alexander heard him shift, and knew he'd crossed his arm. He always did that when he was mad at him.

Alexander turned and stared at him. Hephaestion didn't even look at him. He looked down at the ground, playing with a rock with one of his sandals. But he refused to look up. Instead he stood with his arms crossed, his jaw tightened, his hair falling in front of his face. Alexander knew he could stand there for hours without saying anything.

"Say it," Alexander ordered, this time screaming. There was only one person that would put up with his anger. That person stood before him. But at the same time there was only one person that would argue back with him. That person also stood before him and tonight he did not have a problem fighting with Alexander. He screamed back at him, as loud as Alexander had to him, if not louder.

"Why, so that you can hate me as you do the rest? I love you Alexander, I love you like no one else, but right now I hate you. You're a fool! You can't continue if no one will follow. Two men cannot find the end of the world!"

"Two," Alexander spat, "what makes you think I asked you to come?"

"What made you think that you had to," Hephaestion said as he turned and stormed out of the tent. Alexander followed quickly, knowing that his anger had been directed at the wrong person. As he chased after him Hephaestion turned, shoving him back, his face illuminated by the fire outside of the camp. "Don't follow me Alexander. I refuse to let you make me less than you again."

_"There has always been you," Hephaestion said as he leaned up, kissing Alexander. He then looked away, the pain still in his eyes. There were still tears that would be shed later. Alexander knew that he would always be with Hephaestion, knew that he loved him above all others. What he did not consider was what would happen if Hephaestion did not want him. _

"There has always been you," Alexander said before he started to cry, glad that no one was around, he didn't even try to hide it. Hephaestion froze and turned. He looked at Alexander, knowing instantly where the words had come from.

_"We will always be one," Alexander whispered as he kissed him, pulling Hephaestion back to him. He held Hephaestion close, vowing never to let him go. "Without you I am nothing, I am no great leader. Phae, if you leave me, there will be nothing left of me."_

"Alexander," Hephaestion said as he grabbed his arm and pulled him back into the tent. He had a rage that Alexander had never seen before. On one hand he knew that it was not the time for him to become aroused by it, but at the same time could not help it. Opposite of that he feared that if Hephaestion found enough strength he would leave him, go off with the others, never to come back. Hephaestion shoved him onto the makeshift bed and then held Alexander's wrists down, and held his lower half down with his thighs as he hovered above him.

"Is this what I have to do," Hephaestion asked as he kissed Alexander barbarically, bruising the king's lips as he did so. He broke the kiss before Alexander had a chance to relax but did not release him. He looked down at him again. "I didn't come to tell you what they did. I came to tell you that I would go with you. I came to tell you that I would follow you wherever you wanted to go. I came to tell you that I love you!"

He forced his lips upon Alexander's again. This time Alexander made sure that he kissed him back with the same force. He even bit Hephaestion's lower lip, drawing blood. Hephaestion only pushed Alexander further down and held his wrists tighter. The kiss ended and Hephaestion put his forehead against Alexander. He just let Alexander try to catch his breath. As he rested against him a drop of blood from his lip fell onto Alexander's cheek.

"Be honest with me," Alexander said, his breath still uneven. "Tell me what you want to do Hephaestion. I'm listening."

_"I'm listening," Alexander said the very next day. He shifted his eyes for a moment when something caught his eye. Hephaestion shook his head with a smile. He'd seen Bagoas as well. _

_"I know," was all Hephaestion said as he turned and left the room. He vowed as he did that he would never speak to Alexander again. If he wanted the Persian then fine. He could have him. He cared not. But it hadn't lasted. It hadn't lasted long at all. A week later he found himself back in the king's bed, and in Alexander's arms. _

"I want to do what you do," he answered. "Whatever that may be Alexander, I want to do it with you. I have always wanted that for the both of us. We are one, do you remember saying that? We are one."

"Phae, why do they hate me?"

Hephaestion moved so that he lay next to Alexander instead of over him. Alexander reached over and put his thumb to Hephaestion's lower lip. He pressed lightly, hoping the bleeding would stop. As he did Hephaestion reached over and wiped the smeared blood from Alexander's cheek.

"They don't hate you, and they haven't stopped believing in you. They are tired though Alexander. They want to go back to their families. They want to see their parents should they still live, their wives, children, grandchildren even. Alexander, they want to return home, or what is left of it. Can't you see that?"

"I see their fears. I see that they are too fearful to continue. They lack the courage. They think all the fame and glory they need lies back in Babylon. Hephaestion, if I asked, would you go with me?"

"Till the end."

"We'll never get there, to the end. Everything that I have will mean nothing. We're so close Hephaestion, but to turn around, and never know! They call me Alexander the Great, but what is so great about that? What is so great about a man that quits?"

"Alexander, the greatest thing about a man is knowing when to stop," Hephaestion whispered softly, revealing truer feelings than any others he'd ever had. He looked at Alexander, then leaned over and kissed him softly.

Alexander had known before he'd come that Hephaestion would inevitably say something like this. He thought he would use other words. He thought that he would find himself hating him for siding with the others. But he would never hate Hephaestion, and his words had not been so bad. He'd said what he felt and that was all that Alexander had asked of him.

Perhaps Hephaestion was right. Perhaps the best thing he could do now was turn back. Hephaestion kissed him once more, then looked down at him, his brown hair creating a protective veil over the two of them. Alexander stared at the sea when he looked into Hephaestion's eyes. He then smiled softly, touching Hephaestion's lower lip, which still bled lightly.

"Its time to go back," Alexander whispered.


End file.
